Redeemed by Katie Austin

This is my story. It's not over, it's only beginning, but I am right in the middle of what seems like a great disaster, a huge mess, and devastating loss. I want to (and sometimes I do) shake my fist and scream from my heart, ”God, what are you doing?? Why me? Why can't you redeem this mess? Where are you?”. And then I hear a still small voice saying, "You are redeemed" and I am reminded I am and this mess has purpose. I don't know what purpose, but it does. If I spend the rest of my life in this mess I know in the end, He wins and I am redeemed.

I have been quiet about my story. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I am strong and I don't want to be vulnerable, but my struggle has, for the most part, been silent. BUT I was reading a blog this week and it spoke to me on so many levels and reminded me I am not alone! He is with me. I have many, many sisters who have walked this path. They stand beside me and so I am hoping this reaches someone, this speaks to someone, this reminds someone they are not alone. Because in the end, Jesus wins.

And so here is my story. It's real, it's raw and it's fresh, but I am redeemed, so please hear that as you read...

May 2015…Spending the day with a friend and realizing I was late. Oh. My. Word. How does this happen? Sure enough those words showed up "Pregnant". How in the world would I do this? Caroline won't even be two, she's my baby. Can I keep working? I spent endless nights thinking of how we would do this. My 8 week checkup, everything looked great. We surprised our parents with this precious pic. I still love it!

16 week check - running to the doctor solo, because my husband Thomas was packing for vacation and watching the kids. We weren't able to find a heartbeat via Doppler. They pulled the ultrasound machine in and there was our precious baby, measuring at about 14 weeks, with no heartbeat. I gathered myself and drove home. No vacation, no family time, instead we planned for a hospital stay and then a few days recovering at home. Heartbroken, devastated…What is God doing? We got plants, cards, food…so many people loved on us. And although I was heartbroken, I saw Gods goodness.

September rolls around and suddenly that word shows up again. Pregnant! Are you kidding me? We were shocked, but so happy! I mean, isn't God good? He's going to redeem this mess so quickly! And so while I was incredibly nervous, I was so excited! 6 week check, everything looked great, 8 week check - everything looked great. And then, 12 week check - no heartbeat. And the ultrasound confirmed we lost another baby. So we packed our bags again and headed for the hospital stay. “What are you doing God? What have I done wrong?” I remember crying,saying I am so tired of having just ultrasound pictures of my children, so tired of it! I made it through Thanksgiving and that's about it...

This has to be fixable! Surely something was wrong with me or with the baby. We spent the next few months doing genetic testing. It all came back good. We did find out our baby was a girl and she was healthy. Here she is at 8 weeks.

So it must have just been "bad luck". And do we get the clear to try again…when we are ready.

And now it's March and last week we said good bye to yet another baby at our 9 week check.

After a while you almost become numb, like what did I think was going happen? Did I really think God was going give us a baby? Clearly, we aren't cut out for a third baby. And this time comes when many dear friends are pregnant with healthy babies…And I love them dearly, but it's just so hard to wonder why I can't be with them? Why can't we be part of this boom? Why? Why? Why? Someone said today we don't believe in the prosperity gospel, but we like the Splenda version, God owes me this, I mean he owed us that baby. Didn't he? He's going come through this time. And then he doesn't…

And yet in the midst of all this I have an incredible peace. God is with me. He cares for me. He loves me deeply. This slight, momentary affliction (although it doesn't feel slight or momentary At.All.) is preparing me for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison. And some days I just repeat that and long for heaven!

Just a few weeks before my ultrasound, I was talking with a friend about this baby. I said "I want God to redeem this crappy year. I want him to give us this baby so badly, BUT if He doesn't He is still good. He has redeemed me." And so now I am putting those words into practice. He is still good. He still loves me. He has redeemed me.

And where we go from here I have no idea. What does God have for us? I wish I knew! Where is he leading us? I have no idea. But His truth stands whether my feelings rise or fall. He sent His son to die to pay for my sin and your sin. His payment cost Him his child, so He knows. I am not alone. And I am breaking the silence to say that I am redeemed! Are you redeemed? Do you know Jesus? Maybe it won't be a baby. Maybe it's something else. God is big enough and cares enough to handle it. Cry out to him. Tell him your hurts and suffering. He cares so deeply.