Forgive and Forget?

The subject of forgiveness came up this week in my accountability group. It related to this past Sunday’s sermon that included an overview of the Lord’s Prayer in Luke 11. Then, and again this morning, I thought of something Richard Foster wrote. This excerpt is from his book entitled Prayer-Finding the Heart's True Home

In the affairs of human beings there is a vicious circle of retaliation: you gore my ox, and I’ll gore your ox; you hurt me, and I’ll hurt you in return. Now the giving of forgiveness is so essential because it breaks this law of retribution. We are offended, and, instead of offending in return, we forgive. (Be assured that we are able to do this only because of the supreme act of forgiveness at Golgotha, which once and for all broke the back of the cycle of retaliation.) When we do, when we forgive, it unleashes a flood of forgiving graces from the heart and among human beings.

If forgiving is so important, we really need to ask the question: what is forgiveness? There is a great confusion on this matter today, and therefore we must first understand what forgiveness is not.

Forgiveness does not mean that we will cease to hurt. The wounds are deep, and we may hurt for a very long time. Just because we continue to experience emotional pain does not mean that we have failed to forgive.

Forgiveness does not mean that we will forget. That would do violence to our rational faculties. Helmut Thielicke, a German pastor who endured the darkest days of the Nazi Third Reich, says, “One should never mention the words ‘forgive’ and ‘forget’ in the same breath.” No, we remember, but in forgiving we no longer use the memory against others.

Forgiveness is not pretending that the offense did not really matter. It did matter, and it does matter, and there is no use pretending otherwise. The offense is real, but when we forgive, the offense no longer controls our behavior.

Forgiveness is not acting as if things are just the same as before the offense. We must face the fact that things will never be the same. By the grace of God they can be a thousand times better, but they will never again be the same.

What then is forgiveness? It is a miracle of grace whereby the offense no longer separates. If a husband ignores his wife, valuing business and all other things above her, he has sinned against her. The offense is real, and the hurt is real. A sacred trust has been broken. We speak rightly when we say that something has come between them. She will never forget this violation of respect. Even in old age she may feel and icy chill at the memory of this disregard.

But forgiveness means that this real and horrible offense shall not separate us. Forgiveness means that we will no longer use the offense to drive a wedge between us, hurting and injuring one another. Forgiveness means that the power of love that holds us together is greater than the power of the offense that separates us. That is forgiveness. In forgiveness we are releasing our offenders so that they are no longer bound to us. In a very real sense we are freeing them to receive God’s grace. We are also inviting our offenders back into the circle of fellowship.

One final word regarding the petition directly: God has bound himself to forgive when we forgive. Perhaps you have felt deeply the load of guilt at your offense against heaven. You have been uneasy and unsure of your pardon from God. You long for some assurance that will give you peace. Well, here is assurance given by the highest authority. Jesus Christ, the eternal Son, guarantees your acquittal: “If you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you” (Matt. 6:14).
(Excerpt from Prayer – Finding the Hearts True Home, pp. 187-188)